That’s definitely not possible.
It is with:
JASON’S AMAZING BREAK UP GUIDE
Do you love your partner, but just can’t carry on?
Can’t think of hurting them – so want THEM to break up with YOU?
These simple steps will guarantee a guilt free break up.
(ps I’m starting it this week, if it goes well I might try and market it)
Be smelly, the smellier the better. Make sure when he walks in that room that he wishes he had died – cheat if you have to, cat food is particularly repellent; keep an open sachet in your pocket
Be physically repulsive, from rotting teeth to a new horrifying taste in clothes. Put fake sweat patches under the arms, let your hair grow long and out of shape, don’t shave anywhere
Develop a taste for the unusual. Leave whips, chains and strange looking sexual contraptions everywhere. Begin wearing a dog lead at home and sometimes bark during sex
Take up the violin
Giggle nervously when he’s around, stutter shake and dribble. Be waiting for him by the door, grinning. Keep tabs on him, ask where he is all the time, even when he’s with you. Explain it’s just because you love him so much
Be horrible to live with, wait until he’s in the bathroom before you run in there and use the toilet. Eat everything that doesn’t agree with your digestive system, burp, fart, leave your pants on the floor
Use the last of the household products without replacing them
Develop a hacking cough and put a spittoon by your bed
Take up the clarinet
Play with matches a lot
Buy an air horn and press it regularly, buy bangers and explode them in the garden every Sunday afternoon
Find religion; begin quoting from the Bible during arguments. When you win an argument, pummel the air and scream 10 points for the Grrrrangers (or your surname)
Whenever he talks, slap your knees to an imaginary drum beat, wear your trousers up high to reveal odd socks, wear your pants on top of your trousers
Always wear odd socks
Exercise. Buy an exercise bike, work out at home, in spandex, in front of him, while he’s on the phone, watch him closely
Admire everyone else, tell him you wished you could only be as sexy as they are. Tell him every day you’re so lucky to be with him. Get caught sniffing his underwear
Say ‘lovin it’ and ‘defo’ in every sentence.
Creep up on him and explode balloons behind his head regularly, then lie on the floor belly laughing afterwards
Accumulate a list of the oldest jokes ever, begin telling them when you’re at dinner parties. Repeat one in particular all the time
Leave black muck stains around the bath rim. Get caught sniffing his shoes
Walk dirt through the house
Puke in bed at night and pee yourself in the morning
Pick your teeth with your toe-nail clippings
Freshen your socks by stretching them over the cold drinks cans in the fridge
Paint his portrait once a week, badly, and insist on hanging it in the gallery you’ve created in the hall, just of him
Get caught putting pins in a doll, keep petrol in canisters under the bed. When someone comes on the TV you like, pinch your nipples and growl
Rearrange everything in the cupboards in alphabetical order, and put labels on everything in the fridge which you’ve bought with MINE written on them
Spend the evenings polishing the doorknobs and scream in pain when he uses them without gloves. Sit around the house in rubber shorts.
And the Lord said “secrets are the undoing of the soul’