Exciting news about the job, are you enjoying it? Your sister has a parcel (books or something) that needs bringing out with you, when you come to see us. Alice says it's very important and “Ferret”, a friend of hers, is passing by Maida Vale next week to drop it off. Love Mum
P.S. Send us your flight details!
Job - I don't know yet, only been here an hour, very busy. Ferret - what? How does anyone get to make a friend called Ferret? Parcel - no problem, as long as it's not too heavy.
Glad to have you on board.
I hear everything went well with your induction on Friday and you are now familiarising yourself with our systems and policies. It's a shame the reception area is so separated from the rest of us here, but you know where we are if you need anything. I hope you'll be very happy here.
Roger Lipton, Director of Human Resources, H&W, High Holborn WC2 6NP
Thank you for your email. I'm sure I'll be very happy, everyone has been so welcoming.
Receptionist, H&W, High Holborn WC2 6NP
I told them to get me a receptionist I could work with, like the one I had before with lots of experience. Not having a go at you on your first day, but I feel like giving up I really do. Where've you worked again?
Patricia Gillot, Senior Receptionist, H&W, Holborn WC2 6NP
In 5* Hotels - on reception.
It was really busy there.
That's nice for you darlin. Just keep grinning at people for today and I'll do the rest. Hopefully by the end of the month you might know your arse from your elbow.
PS Stop trying to talk to me, this is a corporate bank. If you wanted to natter you should've taken a job in a salon. Email me when you have a problem.
Glad things are going so well again. It sounds wonderful there and you've got yourself a new start. Just what you wanted.
Alice & Matt
I hate the job and everyone's awful.
Oh dear, by the way thanks for agreeing to bring out our parcel, it's really nice of you.
No problem, what's in it?
Oh, nothing, just a box of essentials.
What - books and things?
Yes, all that. I've given Ferret your number.
Sorry to bother you again dear. Glad to hear you bumped into Jennie from school, you were always very fond of her, sounds like she's doing so well there. I've given it some thought and the only way you're going to get as far as she has done, is by using any contacts you come across. My advice is; take her out for lunch as fast as possible. You never know what doors she could open for you.
What are doing there at the moment again, PA work?
Jennie has been nice on the couple of occasions I've seen her, but I'm fine doing what I'm doing, which is RECEPTION work.
That's what I said darling, it's the same thing.
Just make sure you eat properly, especially if you're going to be greeting all those people, you could pick up an infection from one of them.
Stop standing up when people come to the desk!
I'm off for a fag, I'll be on the other side of the glass doors and I'll be keeping an eye on you.
Got any problems - don't shout whatever you do, just think you're working in a library and you'll be halfway there.
OK Patricia, what time are toilet breaks?
Any time you can't hold on darlin - also it's just Trish, no one calls me Patricia
Course chosen: Standard
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You went off the map for a few years? Where've you been?? So glad you're working here, sorry about the misunderstanding yesterday. I should have told you what Mr. Huerst looked like, lucky he was so forgiving even when you told him he needed an appointment.
Jennie Pithwait, Associate, Corporate Finance, H&W, High Holborn WC2 6NP
I felt like a real idiot, I even chased after him with his security pass
He was fine, I said it was your first day.
What's it like sitting with Trisha?
Awful, rude, I can't stand her.
Tough old girl, probably doesn't get laid much, great with clients but that's about it.
How's the job going? Is it OK to email you?
Jason Granger, Reception Team Leader, LHS Hotels, London, W1V 6TT
Emailing is good, the job stinks and I'm about to take a contract out, on my mum.
How are you?
Talking of stinky, guess what smelly celeb we've got staying here?
Housekeeping told me she's got a few personal hygiene problems. Who cares though - she's famous!!!
That makes it OK then, does it?
Of course. You don't like her though (she's a bit of a marriage breaker) - can't tell you who it is. If you were still working here I could, but I can't, it's a trust thing.
Enjoy your nasty bank.
Morning. Let me know if any hot guys are coming up so I can look out for them.
Ferret here. Alice gave me your email.
I've managed to get hold of more than she wanted, just make sure you keep it in the freezer until you go. Chairman Mow once said "Feel the rhythm"
Speed it up a bit darlin. By now you should be getting two badges printed off, while calling the host to let them know their guests have arrived.
It's all got to happen at once, otherwise the place'll start looking like Piccadilly station with nowhere for people to sit.
Sorry to hassle you, but you're not picking things up fast enough.
Freezer? I don't understand?
Thanks for the heads-up on that one. Not strictly my usual type, I do like them a little taller, without the lurch, corduroys, rotting teeth and the smell. Jen
Ps I’ll get you back!
Ooops sorry (I didn't actually think he was that bad).
Oh and to answer your question earlier, there's nothing worth chasing here and be careful about dumping on your own doorstep.
So come on then, give me some gossip, what's Holly been doing since school, I want to know everything. I heard you got yourself engaged, or married?
Nope, never married, love life's been much of a non-event. What about you?
The odd one or two, quality guys, all prime beef.
You lucky thing!
Let's meet up for lunch, I'll give you a complete tourist guide, call you later.
Jennie's asking questions.
Just keep your cool, and keep yourself to yourself (well as much as you can on a main reception).
I'll call tonight
From looking at the schedule I can see you have booked meeting room 7 on Friday for Jane Jenkins. As you are aware from my previous call, this meeting is very important and Jane's preference is always ROOM 12.
I understand you are new here and it's difficult to begin with until you get your bearings; however, you should know Jane Jenkins has priority over other staff. Please would you secure this room ASAP and then email me a confirmation when you have achieved this. You could also make a note that Jane Jenkins always has this room in future.
Shella Hamilton-Jones, PA to Jane Jenkins, MD Corporate Finance H&W. High Holborn WC2 6NP
Remember the old equation: Overeating = Overweight = No Friends or Partner.
Breakfast - Dry toast and Tea
Lunch - Low Fat Natural Yogurt and Fruit Salad
Dinner - Sushi & Green Leaf Salad
Night Snack – Salad
You haven't replied to me... You told me to put it in the freezer, why the freezer???
I can only apologise for not booking meeting room 12 for you. I will make a note of Jane Jenkins' preference for the future, and move James Lawrence's meeting now. Yours sincerely
I've set your granny up on a laptop, so she can email you. I think she's settling into the old people's home just fine.
Oh good, but I didn't think Granny liked it out there?
She misses the rain, but apart from that she seems very happy.
I've left two messages on your phone, I want to know what's in that parcel - if it's drugs you can forget it!?
Don't be so crazy, what kind of sister do you think I am? I wouldn't ask you to bring drugs out???? GOD NO!! No, these are just your common or garden rats.
Just received your voicemail. I understand re: change in the meeting, no problem at all and sorry I haven't stopped to introduce myself, it's been a hectic few days up here.
PS You sounded shaken, don't let people get you down, people just get stressed here sometimes.
James Lawrence, VP Corporate Finance, H&W, High Holborn WC2 6NP
Thanks for that, it's kind of you. Have a fab day.
Who's James Lawrence? He's good-looking and seems really sweet.
Rumour has it, he's after half the girls in the company - so if your idea of sweet is a dose of crabs, then yes, I guess he's a real sweetie.
That's a shame. Oh well, have a good night.
When I said, “What?” that meant - what, are you crazy??? Rats?? Email me back or forget it!
I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about them. They're rats but English ones, and you won't have to touch them, they're all sealed up
Oh, thank God they're English rats, they'll be so much more refined???
Don't tell Mum, you know how squeamish she is with these things. We need to bring some rats into the country for the pythons to eat. Here they cost 10Euros each, it's not economical and the quality is poor.
So these are quality-rats, that is good.
NO. I'M NOT DOING IT!!!
If we don't feed them, the pythons will Die, AND Matt will be devastated. There's nothing to worry about, they're not alive...?
They're not alive, oh that's fine then - so you want me to fill my case with DEAD rats? Fab, I'll just re-arrange my packing; tuck them between my swimming cozzie and my knickers?
Please give it some thought. Remember breeding snakes is our only source of income.
... so get that smile ready, girl!
Still not recovered from last weekend, think I ate something bad, feel terrrrrrrrrible. Tell me something nice pleassssse Hols, I'm really depressed.
You didn't eat anything bad, it was the bottle of vodka you drank - where was Shona?
Mum's looking after her.
Come on sweetie, get yourself together, you said you'd look for a job this week?
I went out last night but I wasn't feeling good when I left the house, felt really weak. Also I'm worried about Henry, I texted him an hour ago and he still hasn't texted back.
He's probably just busy, when someone's at work (try and picture this) - they don't have time to check their phone every 5 mins to see if they've been texted.
From what I've heard working in Production can take you all over the place, he could be outside. Stop worrying!
He's not in Production.
Yes he is, you told me he was in TV Production.
So who's Henry?
Henry is the guy I was with on Saturday.
So who's Jimmy?
He's the one in Production.
I know he's in Production, I mean who is he to you?
He's with me too. Look, you're not making me feel any better
Good, so you shouldn't. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a job.
Can I come over and stay next weekend? Let's have the whole weekend in, no drinks, no partying???
Of course, although I might have someone called “Ferret” popping in, not sure.
Is he sexy?
I'm sure that bloke with the yellow tie has been sitting there for 10 mins???
He has, I've tried calling them upstairs three times, but can't get through to them. Sorry, I didn't know what to do.
Then ASK, you need to go up and look for the host because the meeting could've started already without this one.
Come on Holly, use your noddle.
Remember to ask the other receptionist for the directory of senior staff. Then you can take it home over the weekend and learn what they look like (hopefully they'll have pictures). Otherwise next week it could be the other founding partner you ask to sign in.
I hope not, he's dead.
But thanks, I'll ask her about the directory at the end of the day.
OK, I'll do it, presumably it's legal?
Oh, you're the best!!
I'll remember this, thanks lots
Because they want two receptionists on the desk when it's busy, lunch times usually. I'll go through it with you once we get some peace. They're doing my head in. So, one of us needs to go before the 12pm slot and one after the 2pm slot.
Sorry Trish, I didn't know. I'll be careful. I can go to lunch whenever you want.
All these shootings, it gets worse every day. Even my youngest one says most of his classmates take weapons with them to school. It really gets to me.
How scary!! That's awful.
Britney's had her hair cut off!!!!!
Yes Jason, thanks for the news alert, keeping me up to date with current affairs.
I have to be somewhere at 2. Should be back within an hour but if it takes longer can you cover for me while I'm gone?
No probs, I can cover, where should I say you are though?
Thanks. Just say I came back, you saw me, and you think I'm around somewhere?
I just had an “I'm so important pr*ck on the line, spoke like I should know who he was, shouted the person he wanted twice (couldn't catch it either time) then had the cheek to leave me hanging while he took another call - that gets to me.
What d'you do when that happens?
I usually hang up on them, or ask them to call back and speak to Holly.
My pleasure darlin.
You know, the one who's been in all the trouble recently.
I don't know, which one?
If I knew I wouldn't be asking you now would I? Come on girl, that one who did something with Phil Mitchell. No, I mean The Bill, P.C. something?
Sorry I can't help.
DC June... someone?
Why d'you want to know anyway?
Sgt June Akland!!! That was her. See that girl on the couch with the brown hair? Forget it, she's gone now. I'm off to lunch, see ya.
SOAPS: remember to watch EastEnders and The Bill, oh and buy an alarm clock.
I'm sending you some porn - you'll love it, pic of some guy I was with at the weekend.
I'm sending it.
You'll love it.
This is the week when a fabulous plethora of opportunities will arise. It's important to know which is the puppy wrapped in a pink bow and which is a wolf draped in sheep's clothing.
Also, why not take advantage of our Mad March offer on psychic readings? Find out if you're destined for love this March for just $2.99 for 3 mins.
I feel it's important to welcome you properly... What about today?
Thank you for your kind offer, I'd love to, but lunches are a bit difficult - we can't take the kind of lovely long lunches you chaps do up there,
That's a shame.
James - wolf or puppy?
Dear Sir or Madam
Can you give me a list of what I can take or can't take when I go abroad to Spain please?
If you log on to our website there are details, including the laws governing export and import of goods to EU countries.
I can't see anywhere on your list any mention of rats and I want to take some to Spain with me. Can you tell me where I stand with this?
Assuming you are serious, then the exportation of live animals should be listed there.
I am serious, but I intend to take only dead rats (frozen – like popsicles I believe) not the live variety. However, I have no intention of going to prison because of a bunch of dirty rats.
It might come as a shock to you, but I have never been asked about the exportation of dead rats. But from what I have discovered, the British Government doesn't mind how many dead rats you export, you can take the lot.
The Spanish Government, however, might be more interested in their arrival. Best to contact the British Embassy in Spain.
I still feel everyone's waiting for me to mess up hugely. Trish is ok with me but I think underneath it all she's just waiting for me to screw up. You know what I need to do... I need to have a party and invite everyone from work.
What do you think????
Do NOT have an office party, bad idea – remember you have skeletons in the closet
You picked it up very quickly when you were here, just have some patience.
Stunts can only hurt your performance this week, so remember when ambiguity strikes at the heart of your consciousness, it's only a route to a blueprint that lurks behind mischievous gain, “it's not the time of the moth” says the wizard, so keep one eye on Pluto and you'll know which side your toast is burnt.
Also, why not take advantage of our Mad March offer on psychic readings? Find out if your destined for love this March for just $2.99 for 3 mins.
To the Futures Wizard
What on earth does this mean??? Please explain????
I don't care about my lurking blueprint, or any wizard's moth, I just want to know if I'm about to lose my job??
Or whether the guy on the 5th floor really likes me or is just keen to re-house a family of sea urchins?
PS Your 3 mins psychic reading was 2 mins 50secs thanking me for calling, then telling me about other offers and 10secs explaining how little chance I had of love unless I stayed on the line and spent more money????
Did I? No, your wizardness, I did not.
PPS I didn't use the work phone - this was at home - (in case this is being read by anyone from IT)
What d'you look for in a toilet?
Club Submission, London
I don't look in toilets, Charlie.
What's important for you though?
That I don't have conversations about toilets with my brother.
OK, but apart from clean seats and some roll – what else is important for women?
Go away Charlie.
Have you told any of your hot receptionist mates that your brother owns a nightclub yet?
No, because you don't, you own a building site.
PS we don't all hang out together in some kind of receptionist club, there's me and one other on the desk. That's all
Is she hot?
Are you still there?
What about the sign on the door? Lots of options...
Little girls' room - sounds sweet.
I think Rubber Ron has the casting vote, and he's gone for DOMS & SUBS.
What on earth does that mean?
Who knows? I daren't ask, some kind of kinky thing and that's trendy these days.
Come on, what's it like down there, anything on the horizon?
It's manic, loads of meetings going on... what's the big event?
Graduate recruitment day, fresh young blood, hot young men fresh off the press, cuties in their new suities, bless.
Why don't you take some pics on your phone and email them up?
Not too keen, what would happen if I were caught?
Instant dismissal, probably escorted off the premises.
So my mobile stays in my bag. Some of them passing through have absolutely no social skills, they're so arrogant.
Arrogant and suited. Tell me more!!!
Ooops, here comes another, got to go.
Come what, one where? Don't leave me hanging....???
Sorry, you should have seen him. Yeeeeeees indeedi, should be heading up to the fifth floor about now. Second time I've seen him too.
I'm grabbing the lift now, I'm making a B-line, yabadabadoooooooo.
Where'd he go??? He must have sneaked past me, the little bugger. What have they been teaching them at Uni - Ninja Warfare???
If they are, then you're in trouble, you'll have to just set up your office in the lift.
Fine, I'll move into the lift. But get some of them to use the stairs. I'm only one woman you know, I can't be riding it all day.
I'm guessing you mean the lift.
Thank you for your enquiry. We can now confirm you are a member of Fetish For Everyone SM. You will receive our regular updates, newsletter and event notifications.
No, no, no. I didn't want to be a member! I only wanted to know what a Sub or a Dom was, that was all I wanted to know. I DO NOT want to be a member, please remove me from the mailing list.
You have reached our automatic reply mailbox. We cannot answer your kinky question. Do not reply to us, you naughty pervert, as you'll only receive this message again and no slap on the wrist (unfortunately).
I will kill you later for something...please remind me!
Is she important?
Only a bit... that was Mr. Huerst's wife. She acts like butter wouldn't melt, but - I know different.
It's only gossip, anyway I'd keep out of her way.
Like her boots though.
And it's all real, bag too.
Oh dear... Would you be so kind as to have a look at the room chart and tell me what you see in room 7 at 5pm?
Have you got a minute? I need someone to talk to.... actually if you've got a few minutes that would be more heading in the right direction.
No, I'm busy
Yes, I see Jane Jenkins is booked in for a meeting. Is this OK?
Oh dear Holly,
Do you not remember our little chat? I really can't believe you didn't bother to make a note of it.
Yes, I did make a note of it. Jane Jenkins has a preference for room 12.
Then why if she has a preference for room 12 is Jane Jenkins' name not in room 12?
Because Mr. Huerst also has a preference for room 12, and I've heard he's quite important.
Then WHY HAVEN'T YOU PUT HIS NAME IN THE BOX!!!???
Because he's still standing in front of me, giving me details of the catering facilities he wants.
Is there a need for capitals? (or are you meant to be shouting?). Feel free to come down and shout if you'd prefer?
Out of Office AutoReply: Meeting Room Mix-up
Shella Hamilton-Jones is currently out of the office, please contact Jeremy Anderson in the case of an emergency.
Hiya there Hollsie
What time d'you want to see your little friends?
I think I made a boo boo. One of the MD's PA's Shella got upset with me, so I asked her to come down if she had a problem, now she's out of the office? I hope she's not actually coming down!
I'm sure she is going down, but you won't want her to. Try not to mix it with her, she's a bit of a rockweller, or rottweiler (not sure of spelling) but sure you get the message. She's like one of those big scary vicious dogs with the German names. Anyway love “made a boo boo” got to use it more instead of “I f*cked up”. I'm sure my boss would appreciate the change.
Should I be worried? I think Shella is on her way down to have a go at me.
What did you do to get her attention? I suggest you hide.
What about Sunday? And we can kick back and sink some bevies together (I've a few urban battle stories of my own to share).
Chairman Mow once said “Free the force”.
Any hunks on the horizon?
Possibly Jennie, what d'you think of the swampy type?
What - the type that are over-affectionate and cling?
No, the type that have strong political views and like to burrow?
Sounds good, put me down for two.
By the way, I was thinking of having a dinner party on Saturday. You know, just a few friends around, nothing special. Do you fancy it? I thought it would give us a chance to catch up on old times?
Too right, a dinner do round at Hols in “maida boo boo” couldn't turn it down.
Dear Holly Denham & Roger Lipton
I've included you on this email too Roger, because I feel our new receptionist isn't quite grasping how we operate here.
I knew it wouldn't be an easy transition for her; making the step up into the corporate world, but there are a few things she needs to learn quickly.
Holly mentioned to me that perhaps I would be better coming down to shout at her if something went wrong and I'd like to just point out that this is not how employees at Huerst and Wright like to operate. Every person in this building tries to pull together as a team. This is something she needs to understand, communication is the key to success.
Maybe Holly could perhaps benefit from a training course on her communication skills and the booking of meeting rooms, just to get her up to speed. Holly has great potential, but a long way to go and I would like to offer my assistance to ensure her rapid progressions.
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, it could be because mountains are big and heavy and don't move much.
Breakfast - Nothing
Lunch - Chicken breast, on rice biscuits
Dinner - One of our special “I'm a fatty” no-fat drinks (available online)
Night Snack - Banana
We are sorry you have cancelled your free trial membership of ExtremeWeightBusters.com.
We wish you all the success in the future with your weight problem.
Dinner definitely on.
I'm really sorry Trish, but can I go for a toilet break again?
Of course you can sweetheart, you look white as a sheet - you OK?
Is it about that email from Shella?
You don't have to apologise, you're in a bad way aren't you? Stay there, I'll get someone from facilities to cover the switch while you tell your aunty Trish all about it.
Are you still on for Saturday?
Hiya sweetie, of course! I'll bring bubbles - are you cooking?
Of course, I've been preparing it all week, so don't be eating before you come!
VERY VERY DODGY, HUGE MISTAKE, DO NOT HAVE A PARTY.
Sorry I can't come, I've got a shift that night.
Can't believe you're partying with colleagues, cancel it fast.
Why is it dodgy, why can't I?
Never get drunk with “work people”, ESPECIALLY ex-school mates who are now “work people” EVER EVER EVER (except if forced, at the Christmas party, but it's still wrong).
OK but I don't intend to drink, so that's not a problem is it.
Never under any circumstances invite “work people” into your home. It's like offering a bunch of hungry cannibals your naked body on a plate and asking them to choose from a selection of forks.
The people you think are your friends will be running around your flat, picking up evidence they can use against you. Skeletons in the closet... porn on the computer... really it's endless...
Stop before it's too late...
I don't have any skeletons or porn??
Skeletons.. oh yes yes yes you do... and you know it...
Porn - what about that naked strumpet you've got hanging up in the hall???!
That's an oil painting of my granny!
Really?? Saucy minx...
Anyway, you're an open book as it is.
But, your flat is a library... and you'll be judged from one glance inside your bathroom cabinet - and a sniff of that basket in the hall!!
What's wrong with that basket in my hall??
It stinks, for heaven’s sake do some washing, anyway, got to go, love you hugely. BUT STOP THAT PARTY!!!